But before I go, I'd like to introdue you to someone special in my life. Thanks to Vanessa Virtue, for giving me the fabulous idea. I'm tired of the schmoes I've been meeting here in New York, and I don't have time to troll through the listings at Match.com or Craigslist, trying to find a guy who doesn't suck to date, so I've decided, like Vanessa, to date someone I actually want to date for a change.
Meet my new imaginary boyfriend, James Purefoy. You may recognize him from his work in HBO's Rome or in Vanity Fair with Reese Witherspoon. Yeah, the chances of my meeting him in real life are slim to none, and he's dating some chick half his age, but in Bitsy's world, he's mine.
In my virtual reality, James and I met at the Century Club in London last November when I was celebrating my birthday with a few pals. Our eyes connected across the room. I was wearing my new purple Dolce and Gabbana dress (the same one that Kelly Ripa wore for the premiere of her husbands movie, but it looked better on me). I had just broken up with George Clooney over his inability to commit. I hated to do it (the house in Lake Como is divine), but I couldn't stand all his friends hanging around all the time. You'd think that Brad Pitt and Matt Damon didn't have homes of their own!
James bought me a glass of champagne. We flirted like mad that night. When he asked for my number, I didn't think he'd really call.
What can I say about James? He's sensitive, kind, loves to cook, and he's dead sexy. He has an 8 year old son, Joe, with his ex-girlfriend, actress Holly Aird. He's such a good father. When he was making Rome, he would fly home every weekend, to spend time with his son. He was quoted as saying that he became a man the night his son was b
orn. Isn't that beautiful. He also built a treehouse in the backyard for Joe.He's my age (40), a Gemini. He's got beautiful brown eyes, and his hands. I could write an ode to his hands. He's tall, over six feet, which can give me a crick in my neck looking up at him.
The great thing about James is that he's well-known but not so well-known that we can't go out in public. We've been keeping our relationship on the Q/T, which is why you haven't heard about it in the tabloids. We never walk down the red carpet together. I always slip into theatres before him at premieres. James wants to keep our relationship special. Who can blame him after what happened to Jude Law?
It's hard of course being in a long distance relationship, but James is worth it. He flies me over at least once or twice a month, for long, dirty weekends. We hardly leave the house. I try not to mind when I see James on telly making love to someone who's not me. After all, I used to be an actress. I've snogged my share of other men during my career.
He's doing another series of Rome, which means I'll be flying back and forth to Italy. Poor me! He's brilliant as Mark Anthony. He's from Somerset which is in the South of England down near Devon and Cornwall. It's beautiful down there. He's talked of some day buying a cottage or something to be closer to his family.
Like me, his favorite place in the world is his bed. His favorite season is Spring (mine's Fall) and he loves both red and white wine.
He's got a special birthday suprise for me. He's flying me over (Premium Economy on Virgin. I won't let him book me Upper Class) and we're taking off for a few days in the country. Hopefully at the Lygon Arms in the Cotswolds.
We'll take long walks in the countryside, and then curl up in front of a warm fire, sipping mulled wine.
Well, that's my fantasy anyway.
Who would be your fantasy boyfriend?
You know mine - Gerard Butler. I live in his Manhattan apartment and he comes to me as often as he can.
ReplyDeleteOf course, I'm 70 pounds lighter and 10 years younger, too ;)