Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Royal Review: William and Kate

SERENA SCOTT THOMAS as Carole Middleton
BEN CROSS as Prince Charles
TRILBY GLOVER as Margaret Hemmings-Wellington
RICHARD REID as Derek Rogers
THEO CROSS as Trevor Watson
LOUISE LINTON as Vanessa Rosemont Bellows
MARY ELISE HAYDEN as Pippa Middleton

Synopsis: “William and Kate” tells the story of how the friendship between Prince William, second in line to the throne of the British monarchy, and future princess Kate Middleton, the stunning daughter of upper-middle-class commoners, blossomed into a romantic love affair, charming the world with their recent engagement and eagerly awaited royal wedding. The film chronicles the history of William and Kate — from the moment they met at Scotland’s prestigious University of St. Andrews, through the ups and downs of their nine-year courtship complicated by social and royal-family pressures, and intense global media attention surrounding their storybook nuptials.

Gotham Gal says:  You knew I was going to watch this movie didn't you? How could I resist? I have watched every single TV movie good or bad (and mostly bad) since the very first movie starring Catherine Oxenberg as Diana back in the day. So I parked myself in front of my telly with a glass of port, and some Stilton cheese. Actually it was a glass of Diet Dr. Pepper and some popcorn but you get the idea.  I'm happy to report that "William & Kate" was just as cheesy and horrific. I loved the fact that they claim that the movie is based on 'true events.' Where, on Mars? Apart from the fact that Prince William is in it, and Kate Middleton, nothing in this movie resembles 'true events.' Did the filmmakers not read the myriad of books and articles written about this couple in the past 10 years? Of course not.

Rather than go through a blow by blow account of this film, I'm just going to pick out some of the cheesiest moments.

1) Ian Musgrove shows up at Prince William's dorm room and shoving his CV underneath the door, claiming that he's applying for the position of William's wingman.

This is the one scene in the film that I actually wish had happened in real life. It was awesome in its awfulness but pretty ballsy at the same time.  Seriously who wouldn't want a friend like that? The filmmakers then ruined it by having William tell his new friends how he tries to trick people by feeding them false information to see if they're loyal. Great now they know your secret, you dumb ass. I can't believe that the real William would reveal something like that after knowing someone for all of 5 minutes.

2) Prince William makes a move on Kate Middleton after the fashion show and she rebuffs him with almost a sneer.

Okay, first of all can we talk about the fact that they didn't even remotely get the dress right that she actually wore that night. Come on, it has to be one of the most iconic images of the 21st century. Someone actually spent almost $70,000 to buy it. How hard could it have been to fashion a replica. Loved how Kate just sashayed down the runway like a professional.

3) Kate Middleton sucks up to Prince Charles by telling him how she's read his articles on the environment for "years."

There's flattery and then there's blatant sucking up, and fake Kate crossed the line in this scene.

4). Kate has etiquette lessons after one too many Brittany Spears-like 'crotch shots' in the press.

The paparazzi would have loved if this had actually happened.  Still why worry about authenticity when you can mime comedy gold out of Kate learning how to curtsy, and getting in and out of limousines.

5) Kate and William sneak in and out of each other's bedrooms in the flat that they share with roommates.

Again more comedy gold to be had. Just the thought of Prince William creeping around on tip-toe into Kate's room was priceless, as was the scene where she hid under the covers when their other roommate came in.

6) Kate storms out of William's birthday party when he spends too much time with Jecca Craig and not with her (even though they are supposedly keeping their relationship a secret).

After being treated to a bit of snobbery at the party by one of their classmates who plays on Kate's insecurities about her background, a miserable Kate storms out with her girlfriends, and then refuses to speak to William for weeks. This is where the timeline gets wonky.  Prince William's birthday is June but Kate and William make up while skiing weeks later. Now either we, the viewers, are supposed to believe that she refused to talk to him for months even though they were living together, or somehow they found a ski resort that still has snow in July. However, we now come to the cheesiest scene of the evening.

7) William serenades Kate in a bar in Switzerland to win her back.

I'm telling you this made up for the hour of awfulness that I had to sit through to get to this scene. It was priceless watching faux Wills get his karaoke on. And he was dreadful which make it ten times better. If this had actually happened, the paparazzi would have had a field day. Seriously this would have hit YouTube before the end of the evening.

8) Kate and her friends drive in downtown Los Angeles, as the same London street scene goes by like on a loop as they discuss her relationship with William.

9) Kate and William break up in his car, and she gets out and goes storming off through the streets of London.

10) William comes to get Kate back while she is in the middle of a lake. 

The best part of this scene was when Kate dove into the water to swim back to shore. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if he had dove in at the same time and they had met in the middle. Seriously, this movie was such a steaming pot of fondue why not go all in? After all if Faux Wills can serenade Fake Kate in a bar, it wouldn't be beneath his dignity to swim to her to get her back. After all, he was the one who broke up with her.

The movie ends obviously with William proposing to Kate in Kenya before the final fade-out smooch.  It's almost beside the point to say that Camilla Luddington and Nico Evers-Swindell only bare the faintest of resemblances to Will and Kate, or that I've seen better acting in a high school play. We're not watching it for the acting. Beyond the dreadful script, what struck me about this TV movie was that Fake Kate dresses worse than real Kate. And the scenes of her working at Jigsaw were hysterical. There were three scenes in the film that smacked of any authentic emotion: 1) when Carole Middleton tells Kate not to mope and to show Prince William what he's missing and 2) when Prince William and Prince Charles have an honest conversation about Charles, Camilla and Diana and 3) Prince William in the kitchen cooking at University and mucking it up.

What's missing? No scenes with Camilla, no Prince William playing polo, no scenes of them traveling together or even having a conversation beyond him changing his major or wanting to fly. We get no sense from this movie as to why William was attracted to Kate beyond seeing her in her underwear. Still despite it's flaws, it was cheesy good fun. I will definitely be watching Hallmark's take on the romance in June. In the interest of blogging.

A little bit of trivia:  Serena Scott Thomas who plays Carole Middleton is not only Kristin Scott Thomas's sister but she also played Princess Diana in a TV movie.

Some other reviews:  Anglotopia, World of Royalty, The Daily Beast, The Daily Mail, The Guardian

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